When Irish Eyes Can’t Smile

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! It is a happy day in my house as I get to remind my olive-skinned, dark haired, brown-eyed, Italian named children, Bella and Luca, that they are actually part Leprechaun like their mom! But, despite my happiness on this fun holiday, I look miserable because my F’ing eyelashes refuse to grow back and its wrecking all kinds of havoc. Who the hell knew that eyelashes were so damn functional?  According to Wonderopolis: “If something is too close to your face or eyes, your sensitive eyelashes can sense it and alert you to possible danger. Such dangers might include particles in the air or small insects. Your eyelashes help to tell your eyelids when they need to shut to protect the eyes.”

Well, I can tell you now that I don’t have them, they most certainly do provide an essential function that I completely took for granted and am sorely missing! I really never gave eyelashes much thought in terms of their usefulness, other than for batting them  – like Clarice did to Rudolph – at cute boys back in my single days. Ha, right ;). But, as it turns out, apparantly my hard-working, extremely under-appreciated eyelashes have been busy keeping a ton of s*&t out of my eyes all these years. And…like most relationships, now that they’re gone, I of course desperately want them back. And…as you do to not look desperate, I’m trying to play it cool and even tried to get fake ones to tide me over until the new ones grew in – just to show them I was getting along fine without them. But it didn’t work. And I’m not. The fake ones are expensive, make me look like I’m the star of Toddlers and Tiaras, and because they don’t glue well to your skin when there is no hair to stick to, they fell out in 2 days. I need my real ones back, and I need them now.

Besides the fact that not having eyelashes makes me look both “sick” and “tired,” I am constantly tearing up and rubbing my eyes because there is so much crap getting in there and nothing to tell my stupid eyelids to perform their only function of SHUTTING! AGH! It’s very frustrating and a little embarrassing as I constantly look like I’m crying. My eyes are in a perpetual state of looking red, sad, and teary (see below and note the one, hopeful, rogue, pathetic eyelash hanging on to the right eye!), even when I’m perfectly happy:

Granted, the fact that I insist on driving my old convertible to and from radiation does not help the matter to say the least. Nor does the fact that I insist on continuing to put mascara on the areas where the eyelashes should be – only to realize I am basically painting black clumps onto the stubs that are now my eyelids. Needless to say, my big black sunglasses are my new appendage – As Corey Hart sang in 1984, I wear my sunglasses at night.

I am anxiously awaiting the return of those precious eyelashes and solemnly swear I will never take them for granted again! Enjoy your debris-free visual experiences today, courtesy of your lovely lashes. I hope you can see your green beer clearly, or if you’re Irish, at least until your 7th or 8th round 🙂

I love to pull out the famous old Irish joke on this day: There are 2 kinds of people in the world; 1. Those who are Irish and, 2. Those who wish they were.

Naomh sasta Padraig la!